I have been busy a lot with school. Thanks to my Grandpa, who paid for it. I am only taking three classes, English101, Business(my fave), and History. I really should be doing my homework, but I am writing in here because I have a lot of shit on my mind, and I can't blog on myspace. lol. My mom is soo emotional and I'm worried for her....and she doesn't want to talk to a phsychologist. I just wish she would change her mind because I believe it would help her a great deal. I am tired of her crying constantly. I never say anything bad to her...well I try not to anyways and it gets rather difficult at times. I really do worry about her a lot. And my Grandpa doesn't really understand that much. He is too old fashioned, and he is sooo cranky.
Any ways....I have been thinking alot. Nick and I still talk on the phone but it is getting annoying. He is annoying. He really expects me to come out to CA in December. Yeah fucking right. I hardly know this guy and he is soo fucking pushy. I have been mauling it over in my head how to "break" up with him. I am getting sick of him. He thinks I love him. How can I love someone that I haven't even met in person yet? I know I can't go through with it. He's just so pushy and besides there is something that I don't quite trust about him. I am not about to risk my life to fly out to CA to meet him. My life may suckk but I do want to stay alive...well I don't want to be killed. I know if I stay here I have my family and friends whom I can always run to incase of something, but out there I am all alone and no help. I couldn't do it. He kind of scares me, and I have tried to explain this. I need to come up with a way to tell him that I don't want to talk to him anymore but I'm afraid if I do that, then he will stalk me. He is just creeepyyy.
Going to go do homeowrk.
- Music:Blood on the dance floor.
Wow...Adam Lambert might be gay? Who knew this? LMAO...seeriously people we have already established the fact that there's a large chance that Adam Lambert is gay! That was months ago. Drop it! What does his sexuality have to do with his performances on American Idol??? Nothing! Infact, his background in theater has gave Adam a huge advantage in the competition. His personal life, should remain that, personal. I don't give a fuck if he's gay or straight. I still love & support him! I am so fucking sick of the media and the press trying to out him. It's none of our business, but for some reason that doesn't stop us from asking. I think if he wins American Idol it will be great, because that shows that a gay man can achieve success just like any other person. I am so sick, of people saying that he doesn't deserve to win because he is gay? Why is that? Take a look at Danny Gokey for example, he was married and lost his wife, and he's a Christian. He's the more conservative contestant; the complete opposite of Adam. Does he deserve it more than Adam just because he's straight??? NO! THe winner doesn't need to be chosen by their sexuality; it's their voice that matters. No one really seems to know the true answer to the question about Adam's sexuality, and yet people are obsessed with finding the answers in incrimating pictures that pop up on Google. Adam Lambert never really openly admitted his sexuality, but he never denied it either. He simply stated, "I am who I am and I have nothing to hide." I love this man because he knows who he is as a person and an artist and he doesn't hide anything. We all should embrace that. He is an amazing artist with a mad vocal range and he has the ability to tweak any song and make it his own, and he rocks every performance. Adam is the only contestant on American Idol that takes risks and is unique. He doesn't try to sound like the orginal artist, he makes the song his!
People need to embrace individuality and orginality instead of trying to copy the orginal! Adam is anything but orginal!! He is unique and we should be proud to have someone as talented as him for our American Idol!
I hate when I get like this, but it's his fault. He makes me smile, makes me laugh. But Iknow we can never be together, because he doesn't like me. I know or else he would have said something. I have told him that I liked him, but never got a response. I know he's been through a lot and works hard all the time, but I just can't help it. I like him. I like talking to him. He makes me laugh. He gives me hope for myself that I could one day be happy, and I hate letting myself get like that. I don't like feeling all happy.....it scares me. I can talk about anything with him and feel comfortable....and I shouldn't be like that because I know I am only setting myself up for disappointment. I try to block out the feelings, because it's better to feel nothing...and I'm used to being numb especially around guys. He isn't like every other guy I meet. He actually is different and I wished he could he see just how much I care for him. If I could I would do anything for him. He is my friend after all. I don't like how I let my guard down when I talk to him. I can open up every locked gate and spill my soul...yet he don't judge me. I wish I could find someone just like him who would be interested in me.....no wait. I want him! But I can't have him! It sucks so bad knowing that the person you want doesn't want you back, espeically if you think about them constantly. It just seems like I can't really quit thinking of him. I try to distract myself, but my mind always goes back to him. If I could have anyone right now it would be him. He proves to me that guys out there can still be a bit romantic...and Im not a romantic person at all, but it appeals to me. He says these sweet things to me, but I know he's not just tryn for sex. It seems like he actually means them, and I never believe anything guys say....but for some reason this one's different. I would love just to spend a day with him....it would make my day a whole lot better. I really don't know what to do, but I do know one thing if we keep talking like this I could fall in love with him, and that scares the living shit out of me. I wish I could tell him just how great I would be to him. I don't want to hurt the ones I care for, because I have been hurt way to many times and it fucking sucks. I need a change in my life. I want to experience something breathtakingly amazing for once, something tht just makes my heart stop. I hate to admit this, but I am tired of feeling so alone....I want someone who will comfort me when I am sad/depressed, and someone to cuddle with. I just want someone to want me as much as I want them. I am 22 years old....and I just feel like life is passing me by and Im not doing anything about it. I am sick and tired of feeling like a failure to my family and especially to myself. I want to actually accomplish something great. I am just so lost right now, and I have no fucking clue as to which way to go. I just want to fucking scream.
Well Im out
I really don't get why he won't leave me alone. Joe, that is. I used to work with him at the mall, and since the first time I met him he has been asking me to go out with me, and won't leave me alone about it. Dude, I have told you before that w are better off just friends.That's it. We may have a lot of things in common, but not that much. I don't see why he won't leave me a lone aobut it. I have repeatedly explained to him that I do not have those types of feelings for him, and I honestly don't think you can MAKE someone fall in love. I believe that I will fall in love when I am least expecting it. It won't be planned. I cannot help who I like and who I don't like romantically speaking, so please quit trying to get me to feel things for you in which I do not. If I liked him, I would have already said yes. He is driving me insane. How else can I get through to him that I do not like him at all; in fact, if I were brutally honest his persistance even creeps me out a bit. Damn. When I did have txt on my phone he would send me all these creepy texts. One said "let's go to bed at the same time to see if we see each other in our dreams." WTF is that? I don't want to give him a chance, because the thought of even kissing him makes me stomach turn, and I'm not being shallow. He doesn't look that bad, but he just creeps me out. I am running out of options. I don't know what to do. I have told him and told him and it's just getting repetitive, why don't he just let it go and move on. He is decent enough looking to find someone else who would really like him. I am just not that someone else. And everytime I turn him down he gets all depressed and blames me for it. Dude I am not going to feel bad because I turned you down which made you depressed. I am not going to be with him, just to make him happy. I deserve to happy too, and it isn't with him.
MSG TO JOE:: LET IT GO! MOVE ON! I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU SO PLEASE STOP ASKING!!
Another random, boring, useless entry, by me.
Let's see where to begin. There are so many things on my mind right now, and I really don't know how to put them into words. Today has sucked, just like every other day. But at least right now I am alone in my uncles house. haha.
I thought I was going to get to go to Amy's today, but she is all upset over her grades in school, and I completely understand. But she did tell me that we will deff hang out tomorrow. I hope we can go see Eagle Eye with Shia LeBeouf. I heard that was a good movie. So there's my plans for the weekend haha. I never od anything anymore. I wish I could get my life back in order and go back to school. I bet I am the only one who misses going to college. haha.
Right now I just want to scream and pull my hair out. About a month ago, I wrote a myspace msg to Matt confessing everything to him, but I have yet ot hear from him. If he doesn't want to talk to me then he should just tell me so instead of leaving me sit here and wonder what the hell is going on. I hate it. I don't care what type of response I get. I just want to know what he thinks; I know it isn't good, but still. He can tell me to fuck off if he wants, then at least I would know. I hate it because I can be doing something and the littlest thing reminds me of him and it pisses me off because then I can't quit thinking about him. I wish I would have never let him in. I never ever trust guys easily because I know nothing good can become of it, and I proved myself right. I do miss talking to him, but I will get over it, because I am used to being alone. Maybe that's the way I'm meant to be....alone. It's the only thing I ever known. I don't know what it's like to love someone or have someone love you back, but I do know what it's like to put your feelings out ther and then be rejected. It did disappoint me, but then again I didn't get my hopes up in the first place, because I guess I already knew what was going to happen.
Well, I am tired of rambling today. I am going to try and write another H/D story. I wish I had some plot bunnies lol.
- Music:Bullet for My Valentine